Dear Borderline Personality Disorder,
You are always with me. That loud voice crying for relief. Crying out for me to cut myself. And, even sometimes, kill myself. I used to think you’d diminish with time. That over time, you would quiet. But the truth is, if I simply let you lie dormant, your voice doesn’t diminish – it gets louder. And my anxiety soars. And my depression grows deeper. And soon an anguish to hurt myself becomes an unquenchable addiction that takes over my whole life. And so, I’ve discovered, if I want to live, I have to fight for it with all I’ve got. I have to examine my thoughts and rewrite the truth. I have to take all my medicine. I have to journal my days so I can see where I am sabotaging myself. I have to have accountability. I have to have encouragement and friendship to spur me on. I have to actively work my Celebrate Recovery Program. I have to work my hardest for my counselor. And pray. Pray for God’s direction. His deliverance.
Child of God
You tell me I am helpless; but God is my helper. You tell me that this is more than I can bear; but God always provides a way out of temptation. You tell me that I am broken; but God is my healer. You tell me that I am hated; but God pours out His love for me; You tell me that there is no mercy; but God pours His grace over me.
Anxiety, you physical assault me. And you are a lie to me. But despite how I feel, God IS truth and I can stand on HIS promises.
Child of God
2 Peter 1:4
And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires.
I thought I had you under control. But you slither out from under me and attack me with all your might. Late at night, my insides are lit on fire….. my body hurts inside. My extremities are tingling or numb. I can hardly breathe. My blood pressure shoots up. And let’s face it, you practically take over my mind. I hate myself. I am lonely. No one cares. I say stupid things. I can’t believe I did that. I’d be better off dead. I press against my head hoping the spinning will stop. But it doesn’t. I am a horrible mother and wife. There is nothing I can do. I am so tired hallucinations surround me. And I have this fear that one is lurking behind me. My head is going to explode. I hate this. Others hate me. I am so hard to be around. I can’t keep up with anything. Every positive thought I’ve learned is a lie. This is who I really am. I hate it. I hate me.
You hurt me more than any other. You attack me long and hard. And, honestly, it’s so hard to keep faith that God will rescue me in these moments. But I know He will. He gives me the power to make it through the hard times.
He always has a way out.
Child of God
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out s you can endure it.
1 Corinthians 10:13
Dear Child of God,
I hate you. It’s simple. I want you dead. If not physically, spiritually. It all started with a little lie I whisper in your ear each morning, “I hate myself.” You consider it your own voice but it’s not. It’s mine. But soon that whisper became a blaring siren that you awoke to each morning. As your body and mind fell further and further into sickness possessed by anxiety that throbbed through your entire body and robbed you of all your peace and rational thinking, you began to act upon that loathing hate of yourself. At first it was just a little cut. But soon, it numbed your deep, deep pain. And you would cut and slice and slit until a towel was soaked in blood. Simply because I lied to you. And you believed you were worthless and deserved to die. I hide the truth in your emotional pain. I don’t want you to know that God loves you with an everlasting love. I tell you that His love excludes you because you have fallen into such a deep, deep abyss. But that not true. He loves you. He picks up the broken, bleeding, painful pieces. And because He is so gentle, He whispers to you, “I have loved you with an everlasting love,” and He loves you into His gentle, sweet wholeness that only He could bring.
The Lord appeared to me in the past saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with loving kindness….. Jeremiah 31:3