I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

Dear Child of God,

    I put that suffocating shame and suffering in your soul.  You want nothing more to be free from your own self.  I overwhelm you.  Sometimes it’s grief.  Sometimes it’s rejection.  And sometimes I give you no reason for the burden that lays so heavily on your chest.  And for a time, I overpower you.  I relentlessly put the obsession in your mind to cut.  Just to end the searing emotional pain.  And I win you over.  You argue with me.  But in the end, I win.   And then, you regret the mark of pain .  And yet, at the same time, the physical pain was such a relief from the condemning hurt that usually tears throughout your body.  I whisper hate into your heart for what you do that you do not even desire to do.  And that hate turns to shame.  But I am a liar.  God does not condemn you.  Not even when you make the wrong choice.  And He also gives you freedom.  Freedom to change.  You CAN do the next right thing and let God change you from the inside out.  He CAN deliver you.



I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.                                                                                                                                                  Romans 7:15

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress.   Psalm 107:6







I have Loved You with an Everlasting Love

Dear Child of God,

 I hate you.  It’s simple.  I want you dead.  If not physically, spiritually.  It all started with a little lie I whisper in your ear each morning, “I hate myself.”   You consider it your own voice but it’s not.  It’s mine.  But soon that whisper became a blaring siren that you awoke to each morning.  As your body and mind fell further and further into sickness possessed by anxiety that throbbed through your entire body and robbed you of all your peace and rational thinking, you began to act upon that loathing hate of yourself.   At first it was just a little cut.  But soon, it numbed your deep, deep pain.  And you would cut and slice and slit until a towel was soaked in blood.  Simply because I lied to you.  And you believed you were worthless and deserved to die.   I hide the truth in your emotional pain.  I don’t want you to know that God loves you with an everlasting love.  I  tell you that His love excludes you because you have fallen into such a deep, deep abyss.  But that not true.  He loves you.  He picks up the broken, bleeding, painful pieces.  And  because He is so gentle,  He whispers to you, “I have loved you with an everlasting love,” and He loves you into His gentle, sweet wholeness that only He could bring.




The Lord appeared to me in the past saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love.  I have drawn you with loving kindness…..  Jeremiah 31:3