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Child of Mine,

I see the hurt in your eyes. The heartache that saturated your soul. That depressive blanket of darkness tries to smother you But I am stronger than anything this world plants in your heart. In my hands, I mold your heart. I forgive your wrongs. And I give you pure joy.

Love,

Your Father

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“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” ~ Song of Soloman 8:3

 

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Love.  That’s all I want.   I know I am loved by family.  And my forever family at Celebrate Recovery.  But I am so numb from a few decades of self bashing that I can’t feel from anyone else what I despise in myself..  My brain is so crowded with ‘I hate myself,’ I’m worthless,’ ‘I’m hopeless,’ “l am ashamed to be me’ ………… that I don’t have room to hear an “I love you” or believe that a friend truly wants to spend the afternoon with me.

But I don’t have stay in this place.  God is at work and I trust He will continue to shower me with love, and one day soon, this complacent numbness will wane away into a beatiful sunrise in which I can feel the love God has saturated me with all along.

 

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The Light in the Darkness

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Dear Depression,

Crumpled up in the tightest ball that I can manage these days, I squint.  I can barely stand the light in  all this darkness. But God’s love breathes down on me. His love breathes life within me and wraps around me in a quiet, yet commanding, stronghold. Very slowly, as I reach out for His help, the darkness disappears.  That darkness, depression, dissipates with a last casting  blow to end my life as I know it.  But as I trust in God,  those dark clouds, the darkness in the mist, the crying within….. it all diminishes and that ray of sunlight, God’s light, shines brighter and bolder.

 

Sincerely,

Child of God

Letters from the Child of God, Uncategorized

Dear  Borderline Personality Disorder,

You are always with me.  That loud voice crying for relief.  Crying out for me to cut myself. And, even sometimes, kill myself.  I used to think you’d diminish with time.  That over time, you would quiet.  But the truth is, if I simply let you lie dormant, your voice doesn’t diminish – it gets louder.  And my anxiety soars.   And my depression grows deeper.  And soon an anguish to hurt myself becomes an unquenchable addiction that takes over my whole life.  And so, I’ve discovered, if I want to live, I have to fight for it with all I’ve got.  I have to examine my thoughts and rewrite the truth.  I have to take all my medicine.  I have to journal my days so I can see where I am sabotaging myself.  I have to have accountability.  I have to have encouragement and friendship to spur me on.  I have to actively work my Celebrate Recovery Program.  I have to work my hardest for my counselor.  And pray.   Pray for God’s direction.  His deliverance.

Sincerely,

     Child of God

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The moment I step through the door, I feel it.  The tension.  Every spouse, mother, father, daughter and son.  We all know it’s there because we all know that we have no idea what this process is going to look like with the volatile state of the emotional mess that each patient tries to control…… Finally, the doors open.  Here is when it gets real.

– excerpt from Braving the Mental Health Hospital

 

Click here for the paperback version.  Or, for $.99, you can buy the Kindle version (to be used on any device).  Click here for the kindle version.

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Kindle Version of Braving the Mental Health Facility

My head has cleared a little.  And I discover that I am utterly alone.  All my connections to cope…. those friends and family have gone on with normal life.  And I FEEL so alone.  But the truth is, I don’t have to be alone.  I am surrounded by patients who are experiencing some of the same difficulties.  And every one brings a different slant to their story that can enrich my life if I chose to let them in.

 – excerpt from Braving the Mental Health Hospital

 

This book is now available on Kindle for $.99.  Just click here

If you’d rather have the paperback version for $7.00, click  here.

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Braving the Mental Health Facility

I published a book about my journey through the mental health facilities.  I want to inspire some hope and bravery into people dealing with mental illness.  My book is called Braving the Mental Health Facility.  Here is an excerpt:

[There] are difficult questions to answer.  And my impulse is to minimize my pain.  But that’s not going to get me better. 

My eyes look down as I feel the darkness inside me.  I have to tell the truth.  Honesty is the only road to recovery here.

Here is a link to my book on Amazon.   It will also soon be available on Kindle.

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Many are saying of me, “God will not deliver him.”

Dear Depression,

     I appreciate the days that are good.  So very good. My mind  and spirit are calm and reasonable.  That deep ache inside my gut fades into the background instead of pounding me to a pulp.  I have to remember these days when you press on me hard and long.  If there were no hope, there would be no reason to keep fighting you.  But there is hope.  God gives me hope.  Even if He doesn’t fully restore me, He can walk me through your storm.  And eventually, even if it is heaven, I WILL have victory.

 Sincerely,

                                                                   Child of God

Many are saying of me, “God will not deliver him.” But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high.  I call out to the LORD, and he answers me from his holy mountain.  I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.  I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side.
         Psalm 3:2-6