I thought I had you under control. But you slither out from under me and attack me with all your might. Late at night, my insides are lit on fire….. my body hurts inside. My extremities are tingling or numb. I can hardly breathe. My blood pressure shoots up. And let’s face it, you practically take over my mind. I hate myself. I am lonely. No one cares. I say stupid things. I can’t believe I did that. I’d be better off dead. I press against my head hoping the spinning will stop. But it doesn’t. I am a horrible mother and wife. There is nothing I can do. I am so tired hallucinations surround me. And I have this fear that one is lurking behind me. My head is going to explode. I hate this. Others hate me. I am so hard to be around. I can’t keep up with anything. Every positive thought I’ve learned is a lie. This is who I really am. I hate it. I hate me.
You hurt me more than any other. You attack me long and hard. And, honestly, it’s so hard to keep faith that God will rescue me in these moments. But I know He will. He gives me the power to make it through the hard times.
He always has a way out.
Child of God
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out s you can endure it.
1 Corinthians 10:13
I hate you. You really suck the life out of me. Period. You sneak up on me and send my brain spiraling out of control. You consume me and I hate it…. a lot.
But that’s where your control stops.
Jesus is my deliverer. So, even though you think you are winning, you are not. Because no matter how defeated I feel, God is still working in me and through me. That may be the only reason I keep holding on.
And even if I can’t make it anymore – you have still lost. Because this was never my battle to fight. God fights for me.
And He ALWAYS wins.
Child of God
Do Not be Afraid or Discouraged….. for the Battle is not yours, but God’s. 2 Chronicles 20:15 NIV
Dear Child of God,
I put that suffocating shame and suffering in your soul. You want nothing more to be free from your own self. I overwhelm you. Sometimes it’s grief. Sometimes it’s rejection. And sometimes I give you no reason for the burden that lays so heavily on your chest. And for a time, I overpower you. I relentlessly put the obsession in your mind to cut. Just to end the searing emotional pain. And I win you over. You argue with me. But in the end, I win. And then, you regret the mark of pain . And yet, at the same time, the physical pain was such a relief from the condemning hurt that usually tears throughout your body. I whisper hate into your heart for what you do that you do not even desire to do. And that hate turns to shame. But I am a liar. God does not condemn you. Not even when you make the wrong choice. And He also gives you freedom. Freedom to change. You CAN do the next right thing and let God change you from the inside out. He CAN deliver you.
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. Romans 7:15
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. Psalm 107:6