The Years the Locusts have Eaten

Dear Child of God,

         I swallow you whole.  And I convince you that this is forever.  You feel so overwhelmed and ashamed that you don’t know if you can go on one more moment.  You take a knife into the bathroom.  That fire lit inside of you – it drives you to do things you would ordinarily not choose.  You begin to take that knife and cut into your arm.  But before you complete the task before you, you listen to that still small voice inside.  This time it is not me.  This is the voice of God asking you to stop.  Because you, dear child, still have so much life before you.  If you let God carry you through and be patient with the process, you won’t regret it.  God will bless you so abundantly throughout, but especially, on the other side of this storm.  I want you to keep your eyes fixed on your pain and hurt.  But don’t do it.  Keep your eyes fixed on God.  Let others hold you up.  And then, one day, when you have made it through, you will see the abundant blessings that God has lavished upon you.

 Sincerely,

                                                   Depression

I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.  Joel 2:25

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The moment I step through the door, I feel it.  The tension.  Every spouse, mother, father, daughter and son.  We all know it’s there because we all know that we have no idea what this process is going to look like with the volatile state of the emotional mess that each patient tries to control…… Finally, the doors open.  Here is when it gets real.

– excerpt from Braving the Mental Health Hospital

 

Click here for the paperback version.  Or, for $.99, you can buy the Kindle version (to be used on any device).  Click here for the kindle version.

Kindle Version of Braving the Mental Health Facility

My head has cleared a little.  And I discover that I am utterly alone.  All my connections to cope…. those friends and family have gone on with normal life.  And I FEEL so alone.  But the truth is, I don’t have to be alone.  I am surrounded by patients who are experiencing some of the same difficulties.  And every one brings a different slant to their story that can enrich my life if I chose to let them in.

 – excerpt from Braving the Mental Health Hospital

 

This book is now available on Kindle for $.99.  Just click here

If you’d rather have the paperback version for $7.00, click  here.

Braving the Mental Health Facility

I published a book about my journey through the mental health facilities.  I want to inspire some hope and bravery into people dealing with mental illness.  My book is called Braving the Mental Health Facility.  Here is an excerpt:

[There] are difficult questions to answer.  And my impulse is to minimize my pain.  But that’s not going to get me better. 

My eyes look down as I feel the darkness inside me.  I have to tell the truth.  Honesty is the only road to recovery here.

Here is a link to my book on Amazon.   It will also soon be available on Kindle.

But you are A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God’s OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;

Dear Depression,

There are some days that you torture me so much that I am ready to tear my insides out.  The emptiness and loneliness inside me becomes an all consuming fire.  And that’s when I know that I need to check back into reality.  I know, for a fact, that God has put people in my life who pour out His love me to me.  And, most importantly, God chose me.  I wasn’t an accident.  He hasn’t forgotten me.  And He hasn’t discarded me.  No, the truth is, He chose me.  I am precious in His eyes.  Loved.

Sincerely,

Child of God

But you are A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God’s OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;    1 Peter 2:9

And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises

Dear Anxiety,

You tell me I am helpless; but God is my helper.  You tell me that this is more than I can bear; but God always provides a way out of temptation.  You tell me that I am broken; but God is my healer.  You tell me that I am hated; but God pours out His love for me;  You tell me that there is no mercy; but God pours His grace over me.

Anxiety, you physical assault me.  And you are a lie to me.   But despite how I feel, God IS truth and I can stand on HIS promises.

Sincerely,

Child of God

2 Peter 1:4

And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires.

 

 

But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so you can endure it. 

Dear Anxiety,

I thought I had you under control.  But you slither out from under me and attack me with all your might.  Late at night, my insides are lit on fire….. my body hurts inside.  My extremities are tingling or numb.  I can hardly breathe.  My blood pressure shoots up.  And let’s face it, you practically take over my mind.  I hate myself.  I am lonely.  No one cares.  I say stupid things.  I can’t believe I did that.  I’d be better off dead.  I press against my head hoping the spinning will stop.  But it doesn’t.  I am a horrible mother and wife. There is nothing I can do.  I am so tired hallucinations surround me. And I have this fear that one is lurking behind me.  My head is going to explode.  I hate this.  Others hate me.  I am so hard to be around.  I can’t keep up with anything.  Every positive thought I’ve learned is a lie.  This is who I really am.  I hate it.  I hate me.  

You hurt me more than any other.  You attack me long and hard.  And, honestly, it’s so hard to keep faith that God will rescue me in these moments.  But I know He will.   He gives me the power to make it through the hard times.

He always has a way out.

With bitterness,

Child of God

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out s you can endure it. 

1 Corinthians 10:13

 

Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned

Dear Depression,

You guilt me.  Time and time again.  You claim my faith is weak if I take medicine.  Between you and my PTSD, anxiety, and borderline personality, I am fighting against a lot.  And yet, you are a constant whisper in my ear trying to convince me that I am without faith if I treat my body.   That I’d get better if I just believed God would heal me.

But we live in an imperfect world.  A fallen world.  A world in which we will inhabit imperfect bodies until He returns.

So, Depression, I choose not to believe your whispers oozing with guilt.  Faith is very much a part of my recovery.  And yet, weak faith is not the cause of my mental illness.  My brain is not working correctly.  And that’s ok.  It’s not only ok, but it is good, that I can get help from a psychiatrist and a counselor.

Your guilty whispers no longer work.  It’s over for you.

Sincerely,

Child of God

 

Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned—       Romans 5:12 NIV

 

Many are saying of me, “God will not deliver him.”

Dear Depression,

     I appreciate the days that are good.  So very good. My mind  and spirit are calm and reasonable.  That deep ache inside my gut fades into the background instead of pounding me to a pulp.  I have to remember these days when you press on me hard and long.  If there were no hope, there would be no reason to keep fighting you.  But there is hope.  God gives me hope.  Even if He doesn’t fully restore me, He can walk me through your storm.  And eventually, even if it is heaven, I WILL have victory.

 Sincerely,

                                                                   Child of God

Many are saying of me, “God will not deliver him.” But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high.  I call out to the LORD, and he answers me from his holy mountain.  I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.  I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side.
         Psalm 3:2-6