The Years the Locusts have Eaten

Dear Child of God,

         I swallow you whole.  And I convince you that this is forever.  You feel so overwhelmed and ashamed that you don’t know if you can go on one more moment.  You take a knife into the bathroom.  That fire lit inside of you – it drives you to do things you would ordinarily not choose.  You begin to take that knife and cut into your arm.  But before you complete the task before you, you listen to that still small voice inside.  This time it is not me.  This is the voice of God asking you to stop.  Because you, dear child, still have so much life before you.  If you let God carry you through and be patient with the process, you won’t regret it.  God will bless you so abundantly throughout, but especially, on the other side of this storm.  I want you to keep your eyes fixed on your pain and hurt.  But don’t do it.  Keep your eyes fixed on God.  Let others hold you up.  And then, one day, when you have made it through, you will see the abundant blessings that God has lavished upon you.

 Sincerely,

                                                   Depression

I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.  Joel 2:25

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Child of Mine,

I see the hurt in your eyes. The heartache that saturated your soul. That depressive blanket of darkness tries to smother you But I am stronger than anything this world plants in your heart. In my hands, I mold your heart. I forgive your wrongs. And I give you pure joy.

Love,

Your Father

“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” ~ Song of Soloman 8:3

 

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Love.  That’s all I want.   I know I am loved by family.  And my forever family at Celebrate Recovery.  But I am so numb from a few decades of self bashing that I can’t feel from anyone else what I despise in myself..  My brain is so crowded with ‘I hate myself,’ I’m worthless,’ ‘I’m hopeless,’ “l am ashamed to be me’ ………… that I don’t have room to hear an “I love you” or believe that a friend truly wants to spend the afternoon with me.

But I don’t have stay in this place.  God is at work and I trust He will continue to shower me with love, and one day soon, this complacent numbness will wane away into a beatiful sunrise in which I can feel the love God has saturated me with all along.

 

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“He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds. He counts the stars and calls them all by name. How great is our Lord! His power is absolute! His understanding is beyond comprehension!”

 

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My child,

Close your precious eyes.  Imagine a night sky.  A clear night sky.  Star upon star.  Universe upon universe.  But more than all the crystal clear skys, beautiful stars, and all of the universe – I love you more.  More than you could love  any other. My love penetrates into your soul.  It overcomes shame and  gives you amazing resilience. It reminds you whose you are in Christ.  You are saturated with my love .You are are enough, you are strong.  You are mine.

 

Love,

God

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Light in the Darkness

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Dear Depression,

Crumpled up in the tightest ball that I can manage these days, I squint.  I can barely stand the light in  all this darkness. But God’s love breathes down on me. His love breathes life within me and wraps around me in a quiet, yet commanding, stronghold. Very slowly, as I reach out for His help, the darkness disappears.  That darkness, depression, dissipates with a last casting  blow to end my life as I know it.  But as I trust in God,  those dark clouds, the darkness in the mist, the crying within….. it all diminishes and that ray of sunlight, God’s light, shines brighter and bolder.

 

Sincerely,

Child of God

Dear  Borderline Personality Disorder,

You are always with me.  That loud voice crying for relief.  Crying out for me to cut myself. And, even sometimes, kill myself.  I used to think you’d diminish with time.  That over time, you would quiet.  But the truth is, if I simply let you lie dormant, your voice doesn’t diminish – it gets louder.  And my anxiety soars.   And my depression grows deeper.  And soon an anguish to hurt myself becomes an unquenchable addiction that takes over my whole life.  And so, I’ve discovered, if I want to live, I have to fight for it with all I’ve got.  I have to examine my thoughts and rewrite the truth.  I have to take all my medicine.  I have to journal my days so I can see where I am sabotaging myself.  I have to have accountability.  I have to have encouragement and friendship to spur me on.  I have to actively work my Celebrate Recovery Program.  I have to work my hardest for my counselor.  And pray.   Pray for God’s direction.  His deliverance.

Sincerely,

     Child of God

The moment I step through the door, I feel it.  The tension.  Every spouse, mother, father, daughter and son.  We all know it’s there because we all know that we have no idea what this process is going to look like with the volatile state of the emotional mess that each patient tries to control…… Finally, the doors open.  Here is when it gets real.

– excerpt from Braving the Mental Health Hospital

 

Click here for the paperback version.  Or, for $.99, you can buy the Kindle version (to be used on any device).  Click here for the kindle version.

Kindle Version of Braving the Mental Health Facility

My head has cleared a little.  And I discover that I am utterly alone.  All my connections to cope…. those friends and family have gone on with normal life.  And I FEEL so alone.  But the truth is, I don’t have to be alone.  I am surrounded by patients who are experiencing some of the same difficulties.  And every one brings a different slant to their story that can enrich my life if I chose to let them in.

 – excerpt from Braving the Mental Health Hospital

 

This book is now available on Kindle for $.99.  Just click here

If you’d rather have the paperback version for $7.00, click  here.

Braving the Mental Health Facility

I published a book about my journey through the mental health facilities.  I want to inspire some hope and bravery into people dealing with mental illness.  My book is called Braving the Mental Health Facility.  Here is an excerpt:

[There] are difficult questions to answer.  And my impulse is to minimize my pain.  But that’s not going to get me better. 

My eyes look down as I feel the darkness inside me.  I have to tell the truth.  Honesty is the only road to recovery here.

Here is a link to my book on Amazon.   It will also soon be available on Kindle.

But you are A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God’s OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;

Dear Depression,

There are some days that you torture me so much that I am ready to tear my insides out.  The emptiness and loneliness inside me becomes an all consuming fire.  And that’s when I know that I need to check back into reality.  I know, for a fact, that God has put people in my life who pour out His love me to me.  And, most importantly, God chose me.  I wasn’t an accident.  He hasn’t forgotten me.  And He hasn’t discarded me.  No, the truth is, He chose me.  I am precious in His eyes.  Loved.

Sincerely,

Child of God

But you are A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God’s OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;    1 Peter 2:9