I thought I had you under control. But you slither out from under me and attack me with all your might. Late at night, my insides are lit on fire….. my body hurts inside. My extremities are tingling or numb. I can hardly breathe. My blood pressure shoots up. And let’s face it, you practically take over my mind. I hate myself. I am lonely. No one cares. I say stupid things. I can’t believe I did that. I’d be better off dead. I press against my head hoping the spinning will stop. But it doesn’t. I am a horrible mother and wife. There is nothing I can do. I am so tired hallucinations surround me. And I have this fear that one is lurking behind me. My head is going to explode. I hate this. Others hate me. I am so hard to be around. I can’t keep up with anything. Every positive thought I’ve learned is a lie. This is who I really am. I hate it. I hate me.
You hurt me more than any other. You attack me long and hard. And, honestly, it’s so hard to keep faith that God will rescue me in these moments. But I know He will. He gives me the power to make it through the hard times.
He always has a way out.
Child of God
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out s you can endure it.
1 Corinthians 10:13
I hate you. You really suck the life out of me. Period. You sneak up on me and send my brain spiraling out of control. You consume me and I hate it…. a lot.
But that’s where your control stops.
Jesus is my deliverer. So, even though you think you are winning, you are not. Because no matter how defeated I feel, God is still working in me and through me. That may be the only reason I keep holding on.
And even if I can’t make it anymore – you have still lost. Because this was never my battle to fight. God fights for me.
And He ALWAYS wins.
Child of God
Do Not be Afraid or Discouraged….. for the Battle is not yours, but God’s. 2 Chronicles 20:15 NIV
Dear Child of God,
I cover your heart in shame. Your life in shame. Your very existence in shame. It seeps and oozes out of your every thought and word. That shame suffocates you as it covers you in that bleak darkness that envelops you wholly. Because of my lies, you truly believe there is something so very wrong inside of you. It’s as if people can see through you into the darkest parts. Where you hurt the most. Fear surrounds you. But, dear child, you don’t have to hurt. You don’t have to drown in your fear. And live your life in shame. Instead, trust in God to take away that judgement, that condemnation. It might not even feel true. Yes, the truth is going to feel like a lie. Simply because I have spent so much of your life whispering rejection, shame, and fear. But, ultimately, I don’t have power over you. You can be liberated from my control. You don’t have to feel it, but you can KNOW this to be true…….. In His perfect love, God has rescued you from your shame. You are free.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.. Romans 8:1